I still have questions
Have you ever felt like your life was one big snakes and ladders board? You think you've made it through, about to arrive at the finish when a simple roll of the dice leads you to land on that dreaded square. You know... the one with the ugly snake head, menacing tongue and long, long tail. You land, not quite believing where you find yourself as you check the number on the dice and the squares you moved, hoping against hope that you just miscounted. But no, what you dreaded would happen, did and there you are sliding down the tail right back to the beginning.
Monday 31st October was that square for me. I knew this day would come, but I wasn't prepared for all it would bring in the days that followed. You see this date marked the day 30 years ago when I said "I do" for what I believed was the rest of my life. That day of celebration ended with the promise of everlasting love and the dream of an old couple on the verandah surrounded by grandkids, memories and life fulfilled!
Unfortunately, things turned out a little differently for me.
Now, to respect everyone involved, I’m not going to expand right now on the breakdown of the marriage or justify it from a biblical standpoint. Just know that it was not a decision I took lightly. No one truly knows what goes on behind the closed doors of anyone’s life and we need to be really careful about judging the decisions of others.
I still have questions for God, thoughts on what happened and sometimes difficulty navigating how I got to where I am today; more of that perhaps at a later time. However one thing I do know: just because the sequel of the movie (where I am now) hasn't turned out like I thought it would, it doesn’t make the first movie (my 28 years of marriage) any less important or relevant. And for that, I am so thankful!
But for this past week, everything I thought I knew, the distance I was sure I had travelled, all unravelled in one single moment. I started to question everything...doubts and shame I thought I had dealt with, not to mention new depths of grief I didn't know lurked within, all came flooding to the surface, and I was a wreck. In relation to that snakes and ladders board, I felt I had plummeted right back to the start where it all began. Free falling. And for a moment, I wanted to just give up...push the board aside and shrink quietly away. I was done and didn't know if I was going to be able to stand ever again.
All I thought I knew about my life and who I thought I was seemed to disappear and for a moment I felt powerless to stop it.
Now the Fi of years gone by would have stayed in that pit for days and days but not this time. Something different started to rise from the depths of my being. It was a thought, then a knowing and finally a quiet determination.
Maybe there was another option...
Faced with the many squares between where I had fallen and the finish line, could I take a breath, dare to believe that I hadn't fallen back to where I had started (as much as the snake tried to convince me otherwise) and try once more?!
The desire to roll the dice again with the hope that things will change for the better takes courage, strength and the ability to find joy in the mess. There are days when the game is no longer fun, and there seem to be twice as many snakes on the board as ladders, but the fact is, the longer you keep playing, the more you gain. Everything (including the last few weeks I have had to navigate) has led me to this point, and as a wise man I know once said, "He wastes nothing and gets you ready."
Nothing that has happened in my life is wasted. Nothing...the good, the not-so-good and the heartbreakingly raw moments have all led to who I am right now. And I am discovering new levels of grace and respect for myself as I dare to go the distance, to stand once again having been knocked down more times than I care to remember and to dare to believe that the best is yet to come.
There is no ‘arrival', but I am waking each day with the assurance that the work God began in me all those years ago, He will finish. And I am discovering more and more every day that as clichéd as it may sound....it doesn't matter how many times you may fall; it really is so much more about the number of times you get back up, roll the dice and have another go!
It's time we all gave ourselves not just a little grace but an overflowing bucket load of it for the life we've led, the decisions we've made and the square we are currently sitting on. Sometimes it's easier said than done and there will be days when you wonder if it's all still worth it.
However, today I'm here to remind you that the snake does not get to have the final say, finding the courage to stand and believe again is so worth it, and regardless of how you may feel at this moment, the best really is yet to come.
Fi x
