Sometimes I’m not fine but it’s going to be ok!
Today I’ve been editing one of my books. It can be a hard slog and painful process. Watching words cut in half, being confronted with some really average writing and the knowledge that this is only round one can all be a little exhausting! But reading these pages brings with it a vulnerability that goes beyond the word cull.
Sometimes I wish I’d been called to write romance fiction and comedy. Although the process of putting yourself ‘out there’ as a writer is the same, (and these genres carry with them other challenges I don’t face), at least I could hide behind my characters.
I’ve been thinking today how the unveiling of my life for all to see is either a really dumb idea or one that will do all it is supposed to do in this world! My books are raw and they’re real, and that’s confronting for me and sometimes for those who read them! Now I could choose not to write, or to craft my words in a way that put a certain spin on them to give the illusion of a different reality…but here’s the thing, I spent so much of my life doing that! For years, I hid all that was going on for me and lived with these two small words ready to flow off my tongue the moment there was even the slightest chance the illusion would be uncovered… “I’m fine.”
You see, I used to think I needed to have it all together or at least look to the outside world like I did. I was convinced that if I didn’t hide my tears, hopelessness and shame, I’d be left vulnerable and alone, and so I did all I could to make sure that never happened! I withdrew, I deflected and I created for myself a fortress that I believed would protect me from being exposed. In the end, all it did was keep me at a cold and lonely distance from those around me.
Being real and raw took courage and to be completely honest, there were days (and on the odd occasion, there still are), when I wondered through the tears if it was even worth it. That vulnerable and out of control feeling of being seen and letting out what was inside sometimes felt really crap!
BUT the more I allowed myself to be REAL and SEEN, the more I allowed healing to come and community to gather around me. I have discovered that being real and raw is NOT a sign of weakness but of STRENGTH. Courage is about allowing others to SEE you, to see your heart and all that’s within; the good, the not so good and the plain ugly!
So here I am quite a few years later about to release two books full of the real and raw…trust me, they are intense at times (I write about things many others wouldn’t). I have shaky moments when I think, ‘When these are finally released, what will they think?’ I also wonder, ‘How many people will walk away?’ And you know, I’m learning to be ok with that. Because just maybe, there will people who need to read my story, the real and raw, heartache and loss, and as they read, through it all, they will be able to also say,
“Sometimes I’m not fine but it’s going to be ok!”
Today I can say, even through all life has thrown at me, my story ends well. I am living a life I only ever dreamed was possible.
Always remember, when you find the courage to be real, that COURAGE will bring with it hope and HOPE will lead you into FREEDOM.
Fi x
